Adoption Update

Well, here we wait.

As you know by now we did not travel to Africa mid December to get Easton. The current status is that we have EVERYTHING we need for him, including his visa, to come home except ONE paper. The exit letter that says he can walk through the airport with us to head home. Currently the country is not issuing those letters. I won't go into how we and many other families feel about that. Possibly insert some curse words here, followed by crying, some numbness, and pleading with God and that might give you a tiny idea. Right now I just can't even express to you how horrible it is to finally be "at the end" after three years and now to just have our kids wait more.

I know in my brain that God knows what He is doing and that it is good. My heart is lagging behind at a snail pace and I'm certain that the only time it will catch up is when we are on a plane headed home with our kids. I am determined though, to still seek and find what God would want for us to continue to learn as we continue to wait. Not to waste these days in sorrow and worry but to thrive because we see a bit more of God and His abilities to carry our hearts which lag behind our brains.

There are rumors about when these forsaken letters may be issued but no one really knows for sure and we've all learned not to believe a single rumor until we see it with our own glazed over eyeballs.

From my small view the only good thing about this wait is that as our son waits, our daughter's court documents are almost done. Possibly, IF her paperwork catches up and IF her investigation goes quickly MAYBE she would be able to come home when he does. The idea of separating them even for a short while makes me pretty sick to my stomach now that I see them looking more and more like brother and sister in pictures. Those are some huge IFs and MAYBEs, but you just never know what could happen. 

In the meantime our kids wait and we wait and every month of waiting cost over a thousand dollars in foster care cost. To say I'm frustrated is the biggest understatement of the year. Though in my frustration there is peace. Somehow. Well, it's either peace or numbness or I'm just flat out delusional. We have had some wonderful people give money to keep things going. We've been greatly humbled by some recent gifts. But yeah, in all honesty, I'm so frustrated that that money is going towards foster care payments instead of plane tickets. I need to remember that the money is God's. We decided a long time ago that if there was money in the adoption fund that we would obediently pay the next thing needed to keep it going and that's what we continue to do whether it's another month of foster care or a plane ticket.

Please keep praying.

ADOPTION UPDATE!

So most of you who are FB friends probably already know the good news we received Tuesday. Our son's investigation is complete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the step that we were told should take 3-6 months.

It took eight.

Yes, I can hear you cheering! I have been cheering and praising God even though now I'm kinda freaking out and there are knots in my stomach. I went to donate, I mean sell, my plasma yesterday and my pulse was too high so I had to just sit for a little bit to see if it would slow down to normal. Thank you God! I just sat there with my eyes closed, took deep breaths, and prayed for God to calm me not only so I could donate, I mean sell, my plasma, but because I knew I needed to again surrender to God and rest in the peace He gives.  It's all fear of the unknown and the what ifs. I'm constantly asking God to calm my fears, to help me see the bigger picture, and give us strength to keep striving to obey. After all, our prayer has always been that no matter how hopeless the wait may feel that we would continue walking (or baby stepping) toward the goal until He shut the door completely. Yesterday the door cracked open a little more! We have a foot in the door instead of just a few of our long skinny white toes.

So what does investigation complete mean? This means that the Embassy has found that our son is in fact a true orphan and is able to be adopted. There is obviously more to our son's story but that will be protected out of respect to him and the hardships he has had to endure. That topic is another whole blog post though.

Investigation complete also means that he can now have his visa interview appointment which is scheduled for November 27th. Once his visa is issued we COULD be traveling to Africa soon after. As of right now we are GUESSING that we would travel mid December.

The fear about the trip that creeps in is that we really don't know what will happen once we get there and how long we will be there. I think in my last post I told you about how the country has stopping issuing exit letters with the exception that if you have certain document before a certain date. We have that document but that doesn't mean it will be smooth sailing. We are hearing of some families that have only had to be there a few weeks but others up to 6+ weeks and some having to return home without their children. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it, so traveling will be yet another giant step in faith! Either way, we will get to meet our children and that is exciting stuff!

Our daughter's paperwork is still not done but we are assuming that we will get to meet her, maybe even have her with us, while we are in country! We will know more about that later. I feel so sick thinking about leaving her behind.

No matter how long the trip, I kinda feel like puking when I think about leaving our bio kids for that long. I think the longest I've ever been away from our kids was like four nights...maybe. Jason is the pro at being away from home so I'm so thankful we will be together! It won't be an easy trip and missing the kids will make it even harder, not to mention that when we return our family will be totally different. I keep asking God to give me peace and help we see it all in the big picture. The amount of time away is a very small time when compared to our family's life span. It also helps knowing that our bio kids will be in VERY good hands with Jason's parents and I'm so grateful for facetime and skype!

Soooooo.... what now? Well now I guess we start gathering together things we will need for our trip. The more prepared we can get now the less stressed we will feel right before leaving.... I hope. We will know more details after we have a phone conference with our agency on December 3. What we take will also depend on where we stay. Where we stay will depend on how much money we have and what is available at the time of travel. Some of you have asked how you can help with practical needs. I will try to post a list soon for those that want to help in that way.

We are also still in need of funds for the cost of the trip. Being in the country is expensive with the flights and high cost of hotel/apartment and food. If you are interested in helping in the area of giving funds, here is a great place to do it tax deducible!

https://www.adopttogether.org/crawfords

Thank you everyone for the continued support through prayers, gifts, and your encouragement! Please keep praying!

Adoption Update

Adoption Update...What does that even mean anymore? I wish I had an awesome update for you but here we sit still waiting.
In my last post a month and a half ago you learned that there had been a big misunderstanding and that Mr Easton was actually NOT through the investigation process. I still can not publicly go into details here. Many of you who know us well, know the whole story of the mistake and how much of a roller coaster ride that was. Now we try to continue to move forward.
I can tell you that the embassy of Easton's birth country is still trying to unfold his past and discover his orphan status. After him being matched with us and waiting in foster care for a YEAR AND THREE MONTHS, in our minds he IS adoptable and is already our son in our hearts but the embassy wants more solid evidence of his orphan status. So we wait while they investigate. Insert gritting teeth and maybe a few curse words here . . . and then confession and learning even more surrender to God.

SURRENDER has become a big word in my head. Surrender, peace, trust, rest, and OBEDIENCE. I saw a saying on Facebook somewhere, I don't even remember where, but it's on the fridge now. "The victims of injustice don't need our spasms of passion, but our long obedience in one direction." That is exactly what this feels like. Long obedience. The Bible talks a lot about how if we love God then we will obey Him. We've decided that until God closes the door completely, then we continue to step forward in obedience. Sometimes that looks a lot like standing still. Sometimes that looks like insanity, but even in these uncertain times we are still actually moving forward. That moving forward may not be a trip to Africa just yet. Each day of waiting is another opportunity to surrender these adoptions to God. Another chance to move forward in our knowledge of who God is.  It's another day to be reminded that mountains are moved at the time He tells them to move. They are not moved by our worry. There is much to be learned in waiting. Many times it may feel like a waste but I know it is not. I don't think we are not allowed to be frustrated in the wait. If it was easy then how would we ever learn to surrender? It's up to us to choose to not allow the frustrations form bitterness in our hearts.

As of right now we are hopeful. Many of you know that recently the country decided not to issue exit letters in order for kids to leave the country with their adopting parents. They have also released that IF you had a certain letter (we'll call it the B letter) before a certain date, that you would be eventually approved to exit the country with your adopted child. We have that letter!!! So we feel hopeful that once Easton's investigation is passed and he receives his visa then whenever we do travel that he will be able to come home with us... eventually. I will not stand solidly on that but it gives us hope! SO, if his investigation is finished soon then we COULD be leaving in the next few months.

We are still waiting on Miss Josephine's court documents. The last I heard they were only waiting for one piece of paper work. Then we wait for translations of those documents, then apply for her I600, then her investigation starts. And at this point we don't know how the country will deal with exit letters when she is passed through everything else and just waiting to come home.

Please pray we hear good news soon about Easton's investigation! Please pray that the country begins issuing more exit letters. There are lots of families there waiting to bring their kids home. Some who even had to return home without their children. Pray for Josephine's court documents to be finished up soon. Pray for the safety of our kids and that they stay healthy as they wait. Also please pray that God continues to provide the funds to keep this going. He's brought us so far! We just recently paid our last payment to our agency, however, there is still foster care cost for each month that our kids wait and we are running lower and lower every month. There will still be all the travel cost in the future as well. I am not worried because God has already showed us His provision and if He wants this to come to completion that He will continue on. We did recently send in an application for the Show Hope grant! Wowser that was a lot of work! It will be some time before we hear anything on that.

Thank you everyone for continuing to pray and support us. I'm sure it's difficult to continue to believe that anything will ever happen as you watch us wait and wait and wait. So those of you who continue to encourage us along the way, you are greatly appreciated and loved!

 https://www.adopttogether.org/crawfords

Adoption update

HUGE misunderstandings on the adoption front but can't go into details. Easton is actually not quite through investigation. Hopefully soon though. Keep praying. I'm kinda falling apart at the seams at the moment. Of to take a very needed nap.

Adoption Update

Okay...here we go.
I'm not a fan of asking for money but like I've said before adoption is God's idea and with that in mind I have to push aside my pride. So here ya go. If you are wanting to help us bring home our babies here is one way you can give a tax deducible donation!

https://www.adopttogether.org/crawfords

Adoption update!!!

Hello everyone! I have awesome, awesome news to share!!!! Today we got news that we've been waiting for SIX months to hear! SIX MONTHS!
I called the embassy today and got word that Mr. Easton's investigation has passed!!! It looks like we may be traveling early November sometime!

It is hard to describe how this wait has impacted myself and the rest of my family. It may sound odd, but as horrible the waiting was for SOMETHING to happen, it has also been a very precious time of submission to God. There have been times when I've wanted to give up and I was sorely relying on God to comfort and inspire me into obedience.

Today I am tearful. Tears of relief for one. That we are through one of the biggest part of the waiting. Tears over a great God that knows the whole story. Tears also for what is ahead, because although we are through this one giant step, there are still steps ahead that are unknown. Once Mr. Easton's visa is issued we will travel two weeks later if all goes well. Right now, we don't have any idea how God is going to supply the money to travel there to bring him home. No idea at all! That is kinda . . . no, really scary but also pretty exciting! In the days and weeks to come I will share more specific prayer request and some practical needs as well. Keep praying!!!!

A fellow adopting momma, who is also still waiting to bring home her babies, shared this poem the other day.  It has really touched my heart and I've read is several times I find myself in tears of joy over a God that desires to paint every detail of our lives. As the artist He knows His desire for the final work of art. The same God that holds massive stars in the sky also cares that we cling to Him for all our needs not because He thinks of us as so pathetic, but because He wants to us to know Him and all His glory and in turn we get to rejoice in the wonder of His perfect ways, not ours!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”

“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

“I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

“You’d never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
“The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.

“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.”



 

Wrestling and Surrendering

From my daily devotional reading, Streams In The Desert. I've re-read this a ton this week. It's right on. Exactly how we feel nearing the end and not knowing how and when God will provide ALL of what is needed to bring our kids home.

Adoption Update

For a long time now I've thought about doing an adoption update. Unfortunately this is still not a whole lot to update as far as moving forward. If you've been following our journey then you know that our son is stuck in a 3-6 month investigation along with every other orphan being adopted from the same country. This is good considering that the whole point of the investigation is to gain knowledge of true orphan status, however, it is extremely difficult for the adopting family and the child waiting to come home.

July marked one year that we've been matched with our son and one year that he's been with his foster family waiting to come home. An entire year with a son we've never met.

On the 15th of the this month we reach FIVE months into the investigation. FIVE months of trying to figure out if little Mr is a true orphan.

And all this time we've still been paying a foster care fee every month.

Today brings me to a breaking point. Earlier today I asked our agency for an estimate of future payments and travel cost. What I got in response was enough to put a giant rock in my throat and knots in my stomach. These last several months of everyday waking up to no email from the embassy was depressing enough. Today, I have been pushed over my edge and I feel like I'm hanging on to strands. I think I know that it was still going to take a giant chunk of funds to finish up getting Easton home but actually seeing the numbers totally floored me. THEN I multiplied that by two, cause we will have to travel twice. Once to get Easton and once to get baby Josephine. More specifics in a minute.

So I'll admit that I've spent much of these months secluding myself from others, especially my peers, feeling that no one understands or assuming that everyone is sick of listening to my adoption woes. (we're coming up on THREE years since we decided to adopt.) I'm realizing that these are most likely lies from Satan and my own prideful issues. I know that Satan would totally love it if I would continue in my seclusion and depression, leaving me paralysed and ineffective to the gospel.  Though gardening is a good hobby to have, plants unfortunately can not hug me and speak words of encouragement to me. I wish. I would love to be hugged by a zucchini... especially if it was fried. SO today in the garden I talked a lot to my best friend. The only one who knows my heart even when I can't express it. I also sucked it up and called on the phone a friend while I was sitting there picking green beans. It's been a long time since I had done that.

Tonight I am pretty discouraged. I'm deeply concerned for our children on the other side of the world. Even though they have not been given to me to care for yet, they have still been given to my heart. And though worry is not right, I do worry for them because I'm a woman and a mom... and  a sinful human. I know that God loves them more then I ever will and that's what leaves me so confused about this long waiting. I know that God in control is a good thing and yet I know that those babies need families. Our family.

Lots of my deep pain comes out in some good old ugly crying in the shower. Tonight was one of those nights. I found myself angry! Just pain angry. Angry that adoption cost so much. Angry with the waiting. Angry with the ease of abortion compared to the difficulty of adoption. I found myself being so bold as to say to God, "Just do SOMETHING. Either say yes and move mountains or say no and stop the agonizing waiting." This brings me to the torturous thoughts I've been having all week. Would God bring us all this way just to say no? Would He? I really want to say no, but I can not be so proud. He could. I don't foresee that and I don't want Him to say no, but reality is that He has the power too. I've experienced both, He both gives and takes away. Oh, please don't take this away. This has created a righteous fear of Him, but I keep praying for faith that He cares about every detail of our lives even within His great power.

I keep being more and more humbled beyond comfort with how little I have to do with His plans and yet I call all this "our" journey, "our" adoptions. The truth is, it's His idea. His plans. It's His that He only invites us to be used as His instruments. Now more then ever as I wait and wait and wait, I'm seeing that it's not about me. I'm very much a broken pot that just deserves hell. The fact that He would even consider using me, and my sinful family for anything great is and should always be beyond my understanding.

So considering that adoption is His idea and that as Christ followers we are called to help orphans it's really time to swallow my pride and just say it. We need money. Prayer mostly, but money as a close second. Let me say that I HATE HATE HATE asking for money. That's maybe why God has made us too "poor" to adopt. He knows our sinful hearts are full of pride. After all, you have to admit, it's really embarrassing asking for money. But there. I think I did it. We need money. Could you give us some? I say this in a pretty humorous way, maybe in some subconscious way to save face, but the truth is out. We just do. If you blog readers are our friends then I'll just tell ya flat out as if a friend had texts me and asked for an update. I'd say, we need around HIGH END $20,000 still to get Easton home. That includes our 4th payment to our agency, estimated round trip tickets for Jason and I, one way ticket for Mr. Easton, hotel, travel, and food while there. This is NOT including however many more months of foster care will be required and this is not including any supplies we may need to purchase before travel. (I'll post a practical list as the time gets closer to travel)

WHAT?!

Now do you understand our desperation? Now do you understand why I just really don't give rip if I offend anyone by asking for money anymore? Now do you understand why I can't afford to be proud?

I have NO IDEA how it's gonna happen. And with both dread and excitement I want to see how it does.

I guess I should update you on the whole travel thing. We've known for a while now that we have to travel there to get the kids. We've recently learned that BOTH parents are required to be there for certain appointments. We also know that the estimated in country stay time is 2-4 weeks. 2-4 weeks people! I'm totally going to flip having to leave Caedmon, Payton, and Reagan for that long. Makes me pretty sick to my stomach actually. So please please please just pray that everything works out. Pray that the stay is not long to get Easton and that Jason can stay the entire time especially for bonding issues. Right now the plan for when we go get baby Josephine would be that Jason would fly home after those appointments that he has to be at and that the baby and I would come home later once we get the exit approval. Josephine is not through court yet so unfortunately it will still be a while before she gets to join us. Oh and did I mention she will have to go through an investigation as well. More waiting.

So pray for Easton investigation to pass! Pray that God continues to provide for these adoptions! Pray for all the details of travel when the time comes. 

Mr. Caedmon, now nine years old, continues to be a sweet encourager in hard times like today and he has it so right. It's just so simple to him. "Mom, it's just gonna be the way God wants it to be." He's SO right. Love that boy! What a truth speaker! Praise God for the children in my lives! He uses them daily to refine my thinking!

If you've made it this far and read this whole thing then how wonderful! You either really love us or you really love orphans. Either way I'm pretty grateful so THANK YOU!

Crock Pot Mexican... Something

I made a really easy and delicious crock pot dish tonight.  Sometimes it's a good thing when we are low on groceries because it forces me to experiment. This was an experiment that went well!

Crock Pot Mexican... Something?

1 lb. ground turkey (shredded chicken would be really good too!)
2-3 large green peppers chopped
1 large onion chopped
1 can black beans drained and rinsed
1 can sweet corn drained
1 can diced tomatoes w/ juice
1 basket mushrooms sliced
2 Tbsp chopped garlic
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp seasoning salt
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp chili powder
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 cup water

Put everything into the crock pot, even raw ground turkey broken into bite size pieces.  Cook on low all day or high for 4 hours. Serve over brown rice. Topping options: shredded cheese, sour cream (plain greek yogurt in our house), fresh cilantro, diced avocado, or corn chips.

FYI, I'm kind of guessing on the seasoning amounts. I never measure when I'm cooking. Soooo....good luck with that part for all you by the book people out there. :)

Zuppa Toscana Soup!

I'm taking advantage of all this rainy weather and continuing on with lots of soups on the menu. Right now my kitchen smells like Zuppa Toscana soup. No I did not order carryout from Olive Garden. My Zuppa puts that to shame. Here's the recipe.

Zuppa Toscana Soup

1 Tbsp olive oil
1 Tbsp finely chopped garlic
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
One large onion diced
1 lb Italian sausage (I get mine at the Fareway meat department)
2 boxes Vegetable broth (I use Swanson 32oz. 100% Natural no MSG added)
10-15 small red potatoes sliced into rings
12 oz. Heavy cream (I use Picket Fence Creamery)
1 or 2 big bunches of fresh Kale, chopped to bite size
salt and pepper to taste

In a large pot cook olive oil, garlic, red pepper flakes, onion, and sausage, stirring often to ensure even cooking. Add in vegetable stock and sliced potatoes. When potatoes are cooked through add cream. Add chopped Kale right before serving.
I like to pair this with some yummy bread or toasted baguette topped with Parmesan and fresh basil. YUM!

Spring is in the air!

I am SO happy that spring is finally here! I'm not sure how much longer I could be stuck inside with hyper kids and not go insane!
Last week we put up the trampoline and we've had tired kids every night since! Most nights they are out in about five minutes after putting them to bed!
It's been raining this week but we did have one very warm day. Most of the day Monday I was down to one kid! Reagan and I went on a "date" to get flower seeds to plant around the house and I got a few things to finish a spring project I've been wanting to do for a while.

I found this on Pinterest a long time ago and thought it was So adorable.

Here's mine. I found this old umbrella at Goodwill last week and knew right away what I was gonna do with it!

Bare feet and a big stack of seeds! Hope they actually grow!

Spring is making the chickens much happier too! In just one week we went from getting 2 eggs a day, sometimes even none, to 6 eggs as of yesterday! Soon we will be back up to 8 a day! Can't wait to see some of those flowers growing around the coop!

Easter

Here's my Easter brats. The love between these guys was not felt this Easter. It was frustrating for this momma and lots of candy got thrown away because of it.
At least they were dressed cute.

Here a fight begins. Didn't realize I was getting it on camera until much later. A thumb getting bent back in this one.

Notice the fist and the sore tummy. A punch happened a few seconds before this picture was snapped.

The outcome. Stinky looks, tears, and pointing the blame. Wow. The need of a Savior on full display. What a lovely Easter morning.

"You'll never hear my say this again. EVERYONE JUMP ON THE COUCH!" said Mom, giving grace.

My buck tooth Easter bunny.

Adoption update...or lack there of.

Unfortunately I have no update for you as far as when kids are coming home. There is still the investigations to go through which we are still being told they COULD take up to 6 months in the worse case scenario. We are praying it is much sooner, but also know that God's timing is best.

We did find out that our baby girl is now in the same foster home as Mr Easton and that makes us happy.  We are STILL trying to figure out a baby name. I've had a long list and Jason hasn't liked most of them. Punk.

I had fun getting a care package ready for her! Here's what we sent.
Lotion and soap, pacifiers, a puppy (got two, one to keep here in case this one doesn't come home with her), clothes, a blanket that smells like us, a picture album, and a scarf for the foster mom.
It was strange buying baby stuff! I'll have to keep my eye open at garage sales this year since we got rid of our baby things a few years ago!

Adoption Update!

Today we received a new referral for a girl! She is adorable and we were surprised to find out that she is only 6 DAYS OLD! Surprised but thrilled! We were always obviously okay with having a baby but just didn't think that we would end up with a baby. By the time she arrives home she will be several months older but still very much a baby. Never thought we'd be in baby land again but we are excited. We even got rid of all of our baby stuff. Ha! God has a sense of humor and loves to keep us on our toes.
The kids are excited too though already have said they are not changing poopie diapers. Reagan has all kind of silly names for her. She saw a picture of of the baby drinking a bottle and said " I like the one with milk. If she drinks milk, we should call her Milk. And if she has a snotty nose, we should call her Snotty. " Thanks for the suggestions Reagan but we'll pass on them.
God is also answering many prayers regarding some of the foster care cost for her. Not sure of details yet though.  There's still a lot to figure out between paperwork, timing, and cost, but it will work out.
Mr Easton will be home much earlier then baby sister. Things are still moving forward with him and we are really hoping for late spring, early summer but really just don't know. Maybe it's a really good thing that we will have some time between his arrival and baby sister's arrival.
There is still a huge spot in my heart for Miss Madelyn though I am trusting that God knows best. I'm rejoicing for her and her birth father and still praying for them. We may never understand why she was put in our hearts, but God has a reason. Even if it was to keep her fed and sheltered for the five months in foster care then technically it wasn't "down the drain" as I said before. God knows. I don't. That's okay with me.
Keep praying for everything to fall into place and praise God for every step He's taken us through! Both the heartbreaking and the exciting! Thank you for everyone who has lifted us up in prayer this last week and a half!

Let's just get real with it.

It's time to get real. I'm struggling today. I'm having to constantly release my grip and hand everything back to God. In my brain, I know everything will turn out as God has planned and whatever He has planned is right and good. But my heart is having a hard time keeping in step with my brain.


Here's the reality and unknowns of the next several months.

-We're waiting for Mr. Easton to come home soon, however, we don't know when that will be and every month longer there is extra foster care cost from now until he comes home.
-There is another large payment coming up. Then there are travel cost for the escort and children.
-For the first time ever we have to pay taxes and do not get a refund. It's a big amount and we were so hoping to be able to put a refund toward our adoption fund or a reliable van.
-We need a reliable van.
-We are still waiting to hear back about our new referral for baby girl #2. If we do not accept the new referral= broken, broken, broken hearts + thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars basically down the drain.
-If we do accept referral for baby girl #2, we have no idea how long the wait will be and how much the cost will be. Hoping to hear more soon.

I just want to keep trusting in God that everything will be okay and not become bitter or angry if things turn out different then we thought. This is a huge struggle and I really just want to live righteously through it.  I'm getting real. There you have it. I hate to talk about the material cost of adoption, but it's a giant part of it so lets just get real with it.

Adoption update

By now many of you have probably seen some of my Facebook statuses from this last week, but for those of you who have not here's an update on our adoptions.

On Saturday morning we received a phone call from our agency informing us that our daughter's birth father requested her back. We do not really know much more details about how this came about but we are pretty heartbroken. The country we are adopting from always gives rights to birth parents over adopting parents and so back to her father she will go.

 I can't really even explain the feelings that have been rushing through us in the days since. For me personally, the best way to explain the pain is something much harder then having a miscarriage. This is not at all to minimize the pain of a miscarriage. Trust me, I know that pain as well and it is great, but this has hurt so much more. I think because, though we had not yet met her, she was this little person actually in pictures. We named her and had things specifically for her and could actually put a sweet little face with our thoughts of her.

The only aspect of the loss that seems better compared to our miscarriage is that I believe we are more mature in our faith now. Though I think we handled the miscarriage in a God honoring way, my thoughts with this loss are much more glorifying to God in a way that embraces the grief and captures thoughts that Satan feeds. Through every loss in life we have a chance to respond in bitterness toward God or in humbleness before Him. He gives and takes away as He sees fit and that's a good thing. At times it may not FEEL that He is good, but we are to KNOW that He is good. I don't believe that God would have us not grieve, but grieving within submission to Him is entirely different then grieving in a fight against Him. There was a short time that I wanted to be angry and shake my fist at God, but our wise son said simply, " Mom, this is what God wants." And he's right.

I would never compare this pain to the loss of a child that had actually been given to me or to the pain of losing my mom to cancer. This is different. It even feels strange. At times it's as if I have no business being so heartbroken cause she was never really my child....but she was sort of. It's strange that the agency already has another little girl that they would like us to consider. In some sense it's like little Madelyn is just "replaceable." I can think like that, or I can open my eyes to the reality that that's just how GREAT THE NEED REALLY IS. There are so many children out there needing homes. Like our home study provider said, "There will always be children." And he's right. Unfortunately, there will always be children needing homes. In some ways, I should be joyful that Madelyn's father came forward. Hopefully he will be a good papa to her and now we can be used for a child that actually has no parents. All we can do is trust that God knows and loves our children more then we ever could.

It was also brought to our attention that because Madelyn is in our hearts, she's also in the hearts of everyone who supports us and therefore has a pretty huge amount of people praying for her. Prayers that would never have been prayed on her behalf had she never been matched with us in the first place. So that's pretty cool.

So now we wait to see if we will be matched up with this other little girl. If we are it sounds like her case would be put on the fast track. Not sure if she would be able to come home when Mr. Easton would or not. We just don't know a whole lot at this point.

Lots of you have asked how you can pray:
-Pray that Madelyn would be going back to a good situation and that her transition would go well. We will never know in this lifetime how her life turns out. Ask for peace in that.
-Pray for Easton as he's still waiting to come home. He must be so confused right now as Madelyn spent 5+ months with him in foster care and now she is somewhere else.
-Pray for our family to continue to heal and trust God. Pray that the rest of this long adoption process would go smoothly and quickly.
-Pray for the little girl that might be matched with us. That God would place her with us if that's what He wants and if she is, that He would begin to prepare her heart for the changes ahead.
-Most of all pray that God would be glorified no matter what the outcome.

Hoping to have a new update for you in the next few days!

Janurary snowmen and random Feburary

Each of the kids made their own snowman...with a little help.

Reagan thought it was so funny when she found the cat taking a nap in the baby doll crib.

I think someone is a little confused about how to wear bike helmets. 

Been making lots of tents.

Payton lost her first tooth. I actually got to pull it out for her!

Caedmon playing "dress up." 

 Sledding down our front yard.

And what sledding experience would be complete without someone crying?

On the pot talking to her fresh out of the bath Barbies, "Stop looking at me going poop guys."

Work it out

There's been lots of fighting around here between the older two children in our house. After a leg being shut in the van door and a gut being punched this morning and lots of mouthing off, this mom has HAD IT!
What did I do about it you may ask? Well, besides taking away tv and all other electrical devices, these guys get to participate in some conflict resolution exercises.

As you can see, there is still conflict and this exercise still needs some perfecting.

Tea with the President

We just started going through this book as a family in the mornings. We got it for Christmas from Jason's parents. It's by the same people who made The Jesus Storybook Bible, which I really love for the kiddos.

We had a good little chuckle about this mornings reading. Can you see why? Jason's response to paragraph four, "Isn't that the same person?"

We all decided we'd like to have tea with Kid President instead.

Webfilings Winter Bash and some goofballs

This last weekend was the winter party for Webfilings where Jason works. We had a fun time getting dressed up and shaking our booties.

I sported a new dress made by the talented Erin Meschke! I put out a rocker vibe with it and got my hair done totally awesome. It was fun so fun!

And here are my goofballs. Can you tell we go through a lot of oatmeal?