A lot more serious post then the last!

Here are two letters that we sent out tonight to our close friends and family. For those of you who we missed in the email, we apologize but you can catch up here!

From Jess:
 

Dear family and close friends,

God is doing some pretty cool and scary things in the Crawford household! I say cool because basically we know that anything from God is good and I say scary because sometimes the paths that lead to God’s goodness are fearful and unknown for us as humans who are unable to see the big picture. If you’ve ever been nudged to pursue something big you know that it requires a giant slice of humble pie and a huge amount of trust in our God. Just to name a few.

            Well our recent nudging, I should say more like a shove, is God opening our hearts more to adoption. AH! Yes, I said it. We’ve always had a place in our hearts for adoption. Ideally we thought that this pursuit would happen when our biological children were a bit older, we were in a bigger house (preferably one that didn’t need work done), and more “spiritually ready.” You know, something more comfortable for us. At a time when we thought we would be less likely to fail miserably and fall on our faces in front of everyone. This is where that big slice of humble pie comes in.

            A few months ago God began the big nudging towards adoption on my own heart. At first I wasn’t sure why. I thought that it was maybe because He wanted me praying for a few families we know who are in the process of adopting. That was true but in praying for these families God began to do some strange and exciting things! Several days went by and one night Jason and I were laying in bed talking and I said, “ I’ve been thinking more about adoption.”

Jason’s reply was, “That’s really weird cause I was just going to talk to you about that.” God had been laying the same things on his heart!

Okay, um so what now? We began praying more about it. The nudges became stronger and the fears became bigger. There were a LOT of walls in my mind about adoption at this point in our lives. But every single excuse I have given God for not moving forward in this He has and is still showing me that those things don’t matter. I’d say, “But God, our house is too small.”

He’d laugh and say back, “It’s a mansion compared to what this child lives in. You’ll make room.”

Then I’d say, “But God, we don’t have money for it.”

God laughs again and says, “I’ll provide. Simple as that.”

“But we have issues. I mean, I struggle with anger and anxiety and selfishness. Let me get my life squared away before I mess up someone elses! Plus I’m not even sure I could love another child like I love my own.”

God excitedly says back, “I will refine you through this! You know how to love your kids? That’s all I ask. I’ll supply more. You’re not perfect. You never will be. But another child needs love. I’m perfect. Are you going to humble yourself and follow me?”

“But God, I’m scared. I know we always thought we wanted to do this, but now that it looks possible, I’m not so sure I want to. I was really looking forward to the kids getting older and giving me a little more freedom.”

He says, “You know, there’s this child that I’m going to have adopted. It’s going to happen one way or another. If you won’t take the step, then I’ll find someone else who will and you’ll be the one to miss out on the blessings and joy that I have to give from it.”

These are just a few of the conversations I have with God about adoption. Conversations at the kitchen sink doing lots of dishes. Dishes washed with soapy water and tears. “Oh and God, speaking of dishes, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I also don’t have a dishwasher. More kids equal more dishes, more laundry, more mud tracked in, more  . . .”

He replies, “You’re right. You are very selfish.”

So, this last week we decided to put ourselves out there. We told our connection group and asked them to begin praying. We’ve asked to meet with a few other families from our church who have adopted or were in the process. It almost felt like we were telling everyone we were trying to get pregnant or something. That was a scary step cause then someone outside of just Jason and I knew what God was laying on our hearts. This meant accountability. It meant lots of questions. It meant spectators. And most important it meant others praying.

So that’s the latest. We aren’t sure where to go from here. Hopefully in the weeks and months to come as we prayerfully seek God’s will and also meet with other believers with some wisdom in the area of adoption, we will know what to do next. For now we know without a doubt that we are supposed to say yes to at least pursuing adoption and we trust that God will either shut doors where they need to be shut or open doors where they need to be open.

            Will you all begin praying with us? Pray for fears to be calmed, not only for us but our whole families. Pray for God to provide emotional clarity, wisdom, and financial support. Just pray.

I was recently convicted with this verse that a friend shared on her adoption blog.

Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. (Isaiah 1:17)

Thank you so much for the needed prayers, encouragement, wisdom, and love that we know many of you will give as we begin this scary and exciting journey!

Jess 

From Jason:

Family and Friends:

            A little over a year ago Jess and I were celebrating my time with the Marines expiring and my schooling being done.  During our nine years of marriage we have been through some big adventures and experiences together.  We have experienced the loss of a parent.  We have spent almost 10 months apart for my boot camp and infantry training.  We have spent almost a year apart two different times for two deployments to Iraq.  During that time Jess gave birth to Caedmon without me being there and I experienced many things I wish I could forget.  During that time we grew from a family of two to a family of five.  We capped off that time with me working full time and going to school full time and spending a few days a month away from home for the Marines.  So when May of 2009 came around we were both pretty excited to turn over a new leaf in our lives.

            We thought it would be fun to take a step back and enjoy each other as a family.  We thought three kids were enough and couldn’t wait to take trips together.  We were ready to experience what WE had dreamed up for our lives.  Little did we know that God would change our hearts to prepare us for a new adventure.

            Jess and I have always had a heart for adopting…kinda…someday.  We thought we would always adopt from Haiti.  The requirements there are that you have to be 35 years old and not have any more than two of your own natural born children.  They make exceptions on a case-by-case basis.  Perfect, we thought!  That means Reagan will be about six years old and Caedmon will be able to help babysit at that time.  We would try to work around the fact that we have three of our own kids and if they still don’t let us adopt then it must be God’s will that we don’t adopt.

            As the old saying goes though, “Man plans and God laughs”.  We weren’t looking for God’s timing or his will.  We were looking at our timing and plans.  Over the past month though God has done a work on our hearts.  He has done a work in our hearts and sanctified us in more then just this though, and for that we are excited and humbled.

            During the past week or so, we have decided to move forward with pursuing adoption.  As a result of that Jess suggested we both write a letter to our loved ones explaining our motives and how we came to this conclusion.  And if you have read Jess’s letter before mine then you might be fighting back tears like I was when I first read it.  I will try to not to bore you to tears with mine.  She did a great job sharing the emotions she has been going through and that we have been going through as a family.  I will try to explain our thinking.

            As believers we have spent many times in the past looking for signs.  For God to speak to us.  For the right feelings.  We have come to realize, after spending more time in God’s Word, that scripture is sufficient.  Sola Scritura.  So as God changed our hearts towards adopting there were naturally feelings that arose in our hearts. As those feelings arose we had to test them against scripture.  Where the feelings we were having (and still continue to have) from God or our sinful flesh?

            So the first question we had to ask ourselves was, “is adoption a Biblical thing?”  Obviously that was an easy question to answer.  There are multiple scriptures that talk about caring for the orphaned and widowed.  And what better way is it demonstrated then God’s sovereign grace in our lives as believers when it comes to salvation?  We were born sinners, a slave to sin, and loving the darkness.  We were totally depraved in our sin and had done nothing to “earn” eternity in heaven.  God in his loving grace revealed himself to us and offers us something we don’t deserve in the free gift of salvation.  He adopts us into his family.  How humbling is it to know that Christ came and lived a perfect life only to be killed by his own people and in that brief moment on the cross took our sins upon him and was forsaken by his Father?  God treated him as if he lived our lives so he could turn around and look at us as if we lived Christ’s life.  How humbling and undeserving. 

            The next question we had to ask was, “is this the right timing?”  How do you test that against scripture?  We came to realize this is kind of a bad question to ask.  The question we should be asking is, “if we were to do this now would it cause us to sin or break a commitment we have already made?”  For us to ask about timing is to try to put it into our timing. 

            So this led to more questions that we can back by scripture.  “Will it cause us to exasperate the children God has already entrusted to us?”  “Will it cause us to neglect Biblical teaching that we need to impart on our children?”  “Are we adopting out of selfish desires?”  “Can we not afford another mouth to feed?”  “Will it cause us to neglect other things we are called to do in scripture?”  The list goes on and on.  In every case the answer has been “no”.  There are obviously things we wish we were stronger in and less selfish in, but in every question would try to answer “yes” to, it was out of selfish desires and fear.

            The only wall we have come across is the cost to adopt.  Even in this though, there are channels we can go through at church and other areas to fund the adoption process.

            So where do we go from here?  Why are we writing you this letter and not just talking to you about it?

            We would love for you to faithfully pray for us.  Pray that God would open and close doors.  Pray that He would continue to sanctify us through this process and we would grow to love him more and be satisfied in whatever path he takes us down in life. Whether he closes all doors and we don’t adopt or leads us to adopt two children.  Pray that He would settle our hearts when we start to fear or question him.  Pray for that little boy or girl that is out there without parents and possibly living a destitute life.  Pray that their hearts would be softened over time to the gospel message.

            Besides prayer we would love for you to join us on this adventure.  We would love your blessing and support.  We pray that you would be encouraged and sanctified by what God is doing in our lives.

            So as I look back at the last nine years of our marriage and the longing to be done with certain adventures I can’t help but laugh and fight back tears.  I laugh at our selfishness, our plans, our timing.  I fight back tears because it is humbling to see God’s story being written in our lives.  I fought back tears when reading Jess’s letter because of the woman God is shaping her into.  Over the last nine years I have witnessed the good and bad in Jess’s life and my kid’s lives.  I know it is hard to believe that they haven’t always been the easiest to live with, but this is why I fight back tears.  Without knowing their heart and sin I would never have been able to witness the change in their heart and lives.  I have been able to witness Jess’s anxiousness, anger, and selfishness turn to satisfaction in the Lord, joy, and selflessness.

            I fight back tears because I am humbled, scared, blessed, and excited.  Regardless of our desire to adopt I am so thankful for God’s sanctification in our lives.  Although we have a long ways to go, I am blessed to see God changing the heart of my family.  I am scared because I know God doesn’t refine us for our comfort and strength.  He refines us to bring himself glory and sometimes that means walking through the valley and sometimes it means him giving us more than WE think we can handle. 

Regardless of God’s plans for us, I am excited to see what they are.  I am excited to serve an Almighty God, a jealous God, a God that can bring himself glory yet chooses to use us.  I pray that he chooses to use us to adopt an orphan.  Not to give a child a better home and more material things to enjoy, but that we would be able to witness first hand a holy moment that we as humans are unworthy of witnessing.  A moment where God adopts a child, which was once an orphan in this life and a slave to sin and darkness, into HIS family. 

We serve an awesome God that has blessed us with awesome family and friends.  We love you all and thank you for your prayer and support.

Jason