"The Acid Test of Love"

I'm just like my daughter. A stinkin' little sinner.
Until Caedmon began walking to school on his own in the mornings, the girls and I would also bundle up and walk with him assuring his safe arrival. I've always enjoyed walking Caedmon to school. It's been our special time to sing "This is the day that the Lord has made . . . " or "Rise and shine and give God the glory glory . . . " or to just talk about life and how to handle different situations going on. Recently though, walking to school has not been so fun. My oldest daughter has made it difficult to enjoy the morning walk as the focus has been completely saturated on herself. EVERY morning something was just all wrong for her. Most of the time it was, " I'm SO cold! " or " I'm itchy! " or tripping a few times, or not staying on the sidewalk like she had been told. All resulting in giant, pathetic, and hysterical tears. Every morning walking out the door was a pep talk from mom. " Hey Payton, lets walk like a big girl to school today. Ok?" She would assure me that she would do her job with no problems, but often failed.
I am so much like my daughter in this way with my relationship with God. Everyday I have a chance to come to him for a pep talk before beginning my walk in life that day. A lot of days I don't apply the preparation He gives or easily forget what He's already taught me. Without consciously choosing to obey and do what's right, I tend to easily stray off His sidewalk, tripping or complaining all the way about my uncomfortable circumstances, resulting is tears, only to realize I should have studied and obeyed the Wise One. It's also caused me to seek the approval of others, rather then striving the please the Lord. Not good.
The last few weeks I have experienced some real lows in my heart. The reason I'm sure has completely and totally been because I have not been reading God's word and daily walking with Him. It put me back into my old ways. The grouchy, anxious, very worrisome, and selfish mom and wife reappeared her ugly face making home life not so peaceful and God honoring.  So I'm going back to the Bible and back to the chapter on Obedience in my "Seeking Him" book that we went through in women's Thursday morning Bible study from this last semester. This was THE chapter (along with others) that really put me in my place. The chapter is called, "Obedience: The Acid Test of Love." It's chucked full of hard to hear goodness! It talks of obedience to the Word being the foundation of the Christian life. No obedience to God, no foundation. How the measuring of our love for God is to examine whether or not we obey Him. So, I say I love Him, but do I always obey Him? No. And when I do obey Him is it always with a joyful heart. No.
Obedience is hard. Especially when what you are being led to do is uncomfortable and there's fear of the unknown. Obedience to pursue adoption is good and at many times exciting and joy giving, but also fearful for us when we don't see the whole picture like God does. It's such a step out in faith and we have to daily choose to continue to take the next step so that God can show us what He can do.  Who He will touch. What He will provide . . .
The beauty of obedience to God- " God does not stand by at a distance, demanding our obedience. Rather,  He blesses us by allowing us to be a part of accomplishing His purposes. He calls us to SURRENDER, invites us to follow, EMPOWERS us to serve, and then blesses our obedience. " Nancy Leigh DeMoss.
"God is God. Because He is God, HE IS WORTHY of my trust and obedience. I will find rest NOWHERE but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to." Elisabeth Elliot.
"Happy is the soul which . . . holds itself ceaselessly in the hands of its Creator, ready to do everything which He wishes; which never stops saying to itself a hundred times a day, 'Lord, what would you have me to do?" Francios Fenelon.

Psalm 19: 7-11
 ⁷ The law of the LORD is PERFECT,
   refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are TRUSTWORTHY,
   making wise the simple.
⁸ The precepts of the LORD are RIGHT,
   giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are RADIANT,
   giving light to the eyes.
⁹ The fear of the LORD is PURE,
   enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are FIRM,
   and all of them are righteous.
 ¹⁰ They are more precious than gold,
   than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
   than honey from the honeycomb.
¹¹ By them your servant is warned;
   in keeping them there is great reward.

Hopefully a Christmas post to follow . . . when I have time! :)

God is GOOOOOOOOD!

God is good! Because of the generosity of some pretty great people we now have enough to make our first payment to our agency (which will make us official clients!) AND we will also have enough to pay our home study cost! Praise God!

 Now on to the paperwork! Oy! And on to the next chunk of money needed! ;)

An unworthy disciple.

I read this in my kids Bible this week and I almost broke down sobbing! Jesus had just left the desert and set out to find his disciples.
" Who would make good helpers, do you think? Clever ones? Rich ones? Strong, important ones? Some people might think so, but I'm sure by now you don't need me to tell you they'd be wrong. Because the people God uses don't have to know a lot of things (or be really good at paperwork), or have a lot of things (or have $40,000 and a big house) - THEY JUST HAVE TO NEED HIM A LOT." -The Jesus Storybook Bible.

Well, Jesus, I definitely fit your requirements, cause I NEED YOU A TON! I'm an unworthy disciple, but THANK YOU so much for including me!

be jOyfUl.

So tonight at D6 was an adoption/foster care focused night. Jason and I along with a few other couples talked about our adoption/foster care journey so far. Can I just come right out and say I did not "feel" equipped to talk to a group on the subject. I express myself much better through writing rather then talking in front of a bunch of people. I maybe should have just read something from my blog. You know when you have things planned that you think you should say and then I comes out a whole lot different? Um, yeah. Well that happened and although it turned out fine it was just another way for God to show me that I'm really not as great as I sometimes think I am.

It's been a hard week for me. This, as with any faith required step, includes a lot of spiritual warfare. I have on numerous occasions felt attacked by Satan. He has set traps and some of them I've stepped into. I saw the old, worried, anxious, easily angered me come back a few times this week and it felt so ugly!

This adoption thing is HEAVY. Not because I didn't get out the things I thought I should say tonight. It's just heavy. We haven't even hardly begun and I already feel the weight of it. Don't get me wrong, at the same time it's wonderful. Obedience is wonderful and right and good, but not comfortable and not glamorous and not done on our own abilities! I'm learning SO much about the strength God provides! The heaviness at this point comes from thoughts of the unknown, the HUGE amount of money needed, all the craziness that will come with having five children . . . and the heaviest of all lately - what if it doesn't happen? What if God closes this door and we're left with these spots in our hearts for two kids who we don't even know yet? I know the answer to those what if's and concerns should always be to,

Whether we get two really great kids, or two difficult kids, or none at all. He calls us to be joyful!

Yesterday, which was really hard for me, wasn't hard because it was a bad day that God decided to give me. Everyday is a good gift from Him. The fact that we have air to breathe is a gift. The thing that makes a bad day is sin. He gave me a good day, but I chose to make it a bad day full of worry and inward thinking. Today was a great day and the only thing that changed was where my focus was. My house was still a mess, my kids were just as busy, I was just as tired, but I had my heart focused on Christ. I'm just starting to figure out that everyday I MUST preach the gospel to myself in order to not get entangled in Satan's traps . . . and myself!

By the way, thank you to my hubby who left me the much needed foam letter note in the shower this morning! I think the U got thrown down the laundry shoot and I know the dog had the O for breakfast.

Speaking of joyfulness. Here's some from today!

Our New Door

This was stuck to our new exterior door that was installed Sunday while we were gone.  We went to unlock the door and had to do a double take to make sure we were at the right house!

Thank you to Raul and Lydia!

Did you read the letter? I hope you did. It brought tears to my eyes! We often think about the door of adoption that God is opening before our family's eyes, but neglect to think that a new door will be opened for the children as well.
I think about this new exterior door. How it's purpose is to keep OUT the elements of the weather that comes and goes. Wind, rain, snow, uncomfortable heat . . . It protects us from the ever changing weather.
It also keeps the controlled, predictable, and comfortable weather IN. The heat in the cold winter and the AC in the hot summer.
Only when this door is opened can we experience the weather on the other side. Sometimes the weather is unpleasant, requiring a coat to keep us warm against the cold or a tank top exposing us to the sun on our vulnerable skin. But many times the weather on the other side of that door is beautiful, radiant, pleasant, fulfilling, joyful, and invigorating. How will we know though, if we never walk through the door to find out?
In the mornings before walking Caedmon to school I will often go out on the porch to decide what kind of outer wear we all need for the walk that day. Lately, we've all needed at least a jacket, some days even our winter coats to protect us from the cold. One morning recently, I had felt that it was very cold out and I instructed the kids to put on their heavier coats. Payton though, thinking that she knew better for herself, decided to go without a coat. She cried the whole way to school because she was SO cold. She didn't have what she NEEDED because she chose not to obey. She chose to do things her own way and she ended up even more uncomfortable then the rest of us who were just a little cold. Since that day, she has put a coat on EVERY time I've told her to.
My point in all this is- When God allows a door to open we can either walk through it and experience the good AND the scary, or we can resist it and pull it back shut in disobedience and possibly missing out on some awesome blessings. God is such a provider though! He doesn't just open the door and push you out and say, "Good luck. Hope you don't freeze to death." or "Hope you find some shade." NO, He provides. He arms us with coats and hats and gloves and boots and sun screen! He provides us with HIS ARMOR! 
Do I have fear in walking through the door of adoption? Heck yeah! BUT my fear is overcome by the love of a Father that I know, knows me the best and knows what is best for me. He plans, He leads and guides and when the way gets uncomfortable from the elements, He provides strength and truth and peace and joy! I can only reside in that safety when I let Him be in control. It's nothing that I do that makes the walk more comfortable. Quite the opposite in fact. My mind can't grasp everything that He is capable of. 

Whatever your "open door" is. I pray that you walk through it in radical obedience and with the strength God provides rather then on your own understanding!

Ephesians 6:10-20

 ¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

 ¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. ¹⁹ Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Soak it up. Roll around in it. Love it.

God works in cool ways! Yesterday a friend gave us a big chunk of money to put towards our adoption. I was shocked at the amount of the gift from this young 20 something person! It came with an awesome letter too! So special! This wonderful person had been encouraged by our obedience to God in moving forward in a faith required, unknown journey.  They were moved so much that they gave this big gift in a step of obedience to God in the area of giving and submission. THAT is priceless and we were humbled! It is so wonderful to see God moving in the hearts of His children. Their gift then spurred on the hearts of Jason and I. It's like God is saying, "Here you go. Now what are you going to do? I'm cracking open the door. Are you going to step through and watch what I can do?" THAT is priceless.

For those of you out there who have been interested in adoption or feeling God nudge you in that direction, but you've held back for whatever reason, whether it's lack of money or a small house or . . .  STOP! God can do it! We've hardly even began and God is already showing us that HE is at the center of this. It is HIS story in us. It is HIS provision that may or may not make it possible. It is HIS guidance that will show us what to do next. It is HIS strength that will hold us up when it's hard. Anything good that comes from this whole thing is only because of God and His love for His people.

Since August I feel like I have been on an exciting walk with the Lord. The last year my heart was spent in deep loneliness and self pity. It was a low time, but I'm SO grateful for the loneliness that He allowed in my heart. I finally truly realized that only HE can satisfy! HE is a PERFECT friend that never fails us! Since then, relationships have been restored, the leading to adoption began, I'm meeting and getting to know new, wonderful, Godly friends, and I HAVE JOY THAT IS PRICELESS. No amount of money can buy what the Lord has already given!
Another great Psalms passage for ya. These were our wedding verses and it's hanging on the wall in our living room. On any other busy day I might over look it hanging there. The last few days I've noticed it more. I love the Psalms! Can you tell?
Soak it up. Roll around in it. Love it.

 Psalm 73:23-26
²³ Yet I am always with you;
   you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
   and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever. 

Christmas Shopping with a Cause Fundraiser

In case you aren't a Facebook friend of mine here is the information for a fundraiser we are having in a few weeks, organized by my new, wonderful friend, Andrea Olsen.

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 Christmas Shopping with a Cause

Sunday November 21st, 3-6pm

Coldwater Golf Links 

615 South 16th

Ames, IA

 

You are invited to come out to Coldwater Golf Links on Sunday, November 21st to do some Christmas shopping with a cause. As you may know, our family has been approved for the adoption process and we are now fundraising for the costs associated with the process.

Our fundraiser will include packages featuring massages, photography packages, Arbonne products and more.

With every purchase from our fundraiser, we will be receiving a portion of the proceeds to help bring our children home.

Our biggest hurdle right now is actually affording the adoption process. With limited funds, but faith in the All knowing God, we are daily falling on our faces before Him to guide us in this journey and provide what is needed.

If you can't make it but would still like to support us, please contact us and we can forward information on how to order through our fundraiser.

Thank you for your support!

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 And in case you can't come, here's a letter that will be available at the fundraiser. Photo and design by my friend Caitlin!

Since we were first married, over nine years ago, we’ve had a special place in our hearts for
orphans and the idea of adoption. Having both just turned a young 20 right before our wedding
day we had no clue of everything that God would bring us through in the next nine years. We
entertained ourselves with dreams of a family, which would include a few biological children, fun
times in a cozy little house, a dog, a cat, and maybe a white fence around the perfectly kept yard. 
We always thought that adoption would be later on, when our kids were a lot older, we were in
a bigger house, and more financially comfortable.
As we strived to get to that place, in the last nine years many life changing events have taken
place. God had some other sanctifying plans.  A loving parent was taken to heaven, babies were
born and one was lost, and we endured two military deployments and many spiritual struggles. 
This was not comfortable. Joyful and painful at many times, but definitely not comfortable.
God has a way of allowing that doesn’t He? He’s never told His followers that the walk with
Him would be comfortable, struggle free, or include a fan club. But He has always promised that
the walk with Him would be good. Sweeter then honey actually! And now we believe that He’s
leading us deeper into His sanctifying process again through adoption. We’re sure there will be
many very uncomfortable things about this new journey and even though the timing isn’t what
WE had planned, we are excited that it is God who is in control and that He is working!
Adoption to us is about making one or two or however many less orphans out there, but it’s
mostly about God and His glory. It’s a chance to portray the perfect picture of Christ adopting
us through the cleansing of His blood over our sins and gracing us with a relationship with the
Father who created us. It’s a chance to everyday give many hugs to a child who has no one on
the world, but even more for a child who needs a mom and dad to teach them about Jesus. The
same Jesus that we all so desperately need.
As we began praying more and more about adopting, it became clear that the question was no
longer, should we adopt a child, but should we consider adopting two children. Taking us from a
family of five to a family of seven!  We believe the answer for now is yes and we trust that God
will open and close doors when and where He sees fit. 
Our biggest hurdle right now is actually affording the adoption process. With limited funds, but
faith in the All-knowing God, we are daily falling on our faces before Him to guide us in this
journey and provide what is needed.
We appreciate your prayers and support and thank you for joining us in this journey. May this God
story glorify Him and cause many to come follow Him!
We would love for you to follow this new adventure in the Crawford family by checking out our
family blog! jandjcrawford.blogspot.com
 In Him,
Jason and Jess