Adoption Update

For a long time now I've thought about doing an adoption update. Unfortunately this is still not a whole lot to update as far as moving forward. If you've been following our journey then you know that our son is stuck in a 3-6 month investigation along with every other orphan being adopted from the same country. This is good considering that the whole point of the investigation is to gain knowledge of true orphan status, however, it is extremely difficult for the adopting family and the child waiting to come home.

July marked one year that we've been matched with our son and one year that he's been with his foster family waiting to come home. An entire year with a son we've never met.

On the 15th of the this month we reach FIVE months into the investigation. FIVE months of trying to figure out if little Mr is a true orphan.

And all this time we've still been paying a foster care fee every month.

Today brings me to a breaking point. Earlier today I asked our agency for an estimate of future payments and travel cost. What I got in response was enough to put a giant rock in my throat and knots in my stomach. These last several months of everyday waking up to no email from the embassy was depressing enough. Today, I have been pushed over my edge and I feel like I'm hanging on to strands. I think I know that it was still going to take a giant chunk of funds to finish up getting Easton home but actually seeing the numbers totally floored me. THEN I multiplied that by two, cause we will have to travel twice. Once to get Easton and once to get baby Josephine. More specifics in a minute.

So I'll admit that I've spent much of these months secluding myself from others, especially my peers, feeling that no one understands or assuming that everyone is sick of listening to my adoption woes. (we're coming up on THREE years since we decided to adopt.) I'm realizing that these are most likely lies from Satan and my own prideful issues. I know that Satan would totally love it if I would continue in my seclusion and depression, leaving me paralysed and ineffective to the gospel.  Though gardening is a good hobby to have, plants unfortunately can not hug me and speak words of encouragement to me. I wish. I would love to be hugged by a zucchini... especially if it was fried. SO today in the garden I talked a lot to my best friend. The only one who knows my heart even when I can't express it. I also sucked it up and called on the phone a friend while I was sitting there picking green beans. It's been a long time since I had done that.

Tonight I am pretty discouraged. I'm deeply concerned for our children on the other side of the world. Even though they have not been given to me to care for yet, they have still been given to my heart. And though worry is not right, I do worry for them because I'm a woman and a mom... and  a sinful human. I know that God loves them more then I ever will and that's what leaves me so confused about this long waiting. I know that God in control is a good thing and yet I know that those babies need families. Our family.

Lots of my deep pain comes out in some good old ugly crying in the shower. Tonight was one of those nights. I found myself angry! Just pain angry. Angry that adoption cost so much. Angry with the waiting. Angry with the ease of abortion compared to the difficulty of adoption. I found myself being so bold as to say to God, "Just do SOMETHING. Either say yes and move mountains or say no and stop the agonizing waiting." This brings me to the torturous thoughts I've been having all week. Would God bring us all this way just to say no? Would He? I really want to say no, but I can not be so proud. He could. I don't foresee that and I don't want Him to say no, but reality is that He has the power too. I've experienced both, He both gives and takes away. Oh, please don't take this away. This has created a righteous fear of Him, but I keep praying for faith that He cares about every detail of our lives even within His great power.

I keep being more and more humbled beyond comfort with how little I have to do with His plans and yet I call all this "our" journey, "our" adoptions. The truth is, it's His idea. His plans. It's His that He only invites us to be used as His instruments. Now more then ever as I wait and wait and wait, I'm seeing that it's not about me. I'm very much a broken pot that just deserves hell. The fact that He would even consider using me, and my sinful family for anything great is and should always be beyond my understanding.

So considering that adoption is His idea and that as Christ followers we are called to help orphans it's really time to swallow my pride and just say it. We need money. Prayer mostly, but money as a close second. Let me say that I HATE HATE HATE asking for money. That's maybe why God has made us too "poor" to adopt. He knows our sinful hearts are full of pride. After all, you have to admit, it's really embarrassing asking for money. But there. I think I did it. We need money. Could you give us some? I say this in a pretty humorous way, maybe in some subconscious way to save face, but the truth is out. We just do. If you blog readers are our friends then I'll just tell ya flat out as if a friend had texts me and asked for an update. I'd say, we need around HIGH END $20,000 still to get Easton home. That includes our 4th payment to our agency, estimated round trip tickets for Jason and I, one way ticket for Mr. Easton, hotel, travel, and food while there. This is NOT including however many more months of foster care will be required and this is not including any supplies we may need to purchase before travel. (I'll post a practical list as the time gets closer to travel)

WHAT?!

Now do you understand our desperation? Now do you understand why I just really don't give rip if I offend anyone by asking for money anymore? Now do you understand why I can't afford to be proud?

I have NO IDEA how it's gonna happen. And with both dread and excitement I want to see how it does.

I guess I should update you on the whole travel thing. We've known for a while now that we have to travel there to get the kids. We've recently learned that BOTH parents are required to be there for certain appointments. We also know that the estimated in country stay time is 2-4 weeks. 2-4 weeks people! I'm totally going to flip having to leave Caedmon, Payton, and Reagan for that long. Makes me pretty sick to my stomach actually. So please please please just pray that everything works out. Pray that the stay is not long to get Easton and that Jason can stay the entire time especially for bonding issues. Right now the plan for when we go get baby Josephine would be that Jason would fly home after those appointments that he has to be at and that the baby and I would come home later once we get the exit approval. Josephine is not through court yet so unfortunately it will still be a while before she gets to join us. Oh and did I mention she will have to go through an investigation as well. More waiting.

So pray for Easton investigation to pass! Pray that God continues to provide for these adoptions! Pray for all the details of travel when the time comes. 

Mr. Caedmon, now nine years old, continues to be a sweet encourager in hard times like today and he has it so right. It's just so simple to him. "Mom, it's just gonna be the way God wants it to be." He's SO right. Love that boy! What a truth speaker! Praise God for the children in my lives! He uses them daily to refine my thinking!

If you've made it this far and read this whole thing then how wonderful! You either really love us or you really love orphans. Either way I'm pretty grateful so THANK YOU!

Easter

Here's my Easter brats. The love between these guys was not felt this Easter. It was frustrating for this momma and lots of candy got thrown away because of it.
At least they were dressed cute.

Here a fight begins. Didn't realize I was getting it on camera until much later. A thumb getting bent back in this one.

Notice the fist and the sore tummy. A punch happened a few seconds before this picture was snapped.

The outcome. Stinky looks, tears, and pointing the blame. Wow. The need of a Savior on full display. What a lovely Easter morning.

"You'll never hear my say this again. EVERYONE JUMP ON THE COUCH!" said Mom, giving grace.

My buck tooth Easter bunny.

Adoption update

By now many of you have probably seen some of my Facebook statuses from this last week, but for those of you who have not here's an update on our adoptions.

On Saturday morning we received a phone call from our agency informing us that our daughter's birth father requested her back. We do not really know much more details about how this came about but we are pretty heartbroken. The country we are adopting from always gives rights to birth parents over adopting parents and so back to her father she will go.

 I can't really even explain the feelings that have been rushing through us in the days since. For me personally, the best way to explain the pain is something much harder then having a miscarriage. This is not at all to minimize the pain of a miscarriage. Trust me, I know that pain as well and it is great, but this has hurt so much more. I think because, though we had not yet met her, she was this little person actually in pictures. We named her and had things specifically for her and could actually put a sweet little face with our thoughts of her.

The only aspect of the loss that seems better compared to our miscarriage is that I believe we are more mature in our faith now. Though I think we handled the miscarriage in a God honoring way, my thoughts with this loss are much more glorifying to God in a way that embraces the grief and captures thoughts that Satan feeds. Through every loss in life we have a chance to respond in bitterness toward God or in humbleness before Him. He gives and takes away as He sees fit and that's a good thing. At times it may not FEEL that He is good, but we are to KNOW that He is good. I don't believe that God would have us not grieve, but grieving within submission to Him is entirely different then grieving in a fight against Him. There was a short time that I wanted to be angry and shake my fist at God, but our wise son said simply, " Mom, this is what God wants." And he's right.

I would never compare this pain to the loss of a child that had actually been given to me or to the pain of losing my mom to cancer. This is different. It even feels strange. At times it's as if I have no business being so heartbroken cause she was never really my child....but she was sort of. It's strange that the agency already has another little girl that they would like us to consider. In some sense it's like little Madelyn is just "replaceable." I can think like that, or I can open my eyes to the reality that that's just how GREAT THE NEED REALLY IS. There are so many children out there needing homes. Like our home study provider said, "There will always be children." And he's right. Unfortunately, there will always be children needing homes. In some ways, I should be joyful that Madelyn's father came forward. Hopefully he will be a good papa to her and now we can be used for a child that actually has no parents. All we can do is trust that God knows and loves our children more then we ever could.

It was also brought to our attention that because Madelyn is in our hearts, she's also in the hearts of everyone who supports us and therefore has a pretty huge amount of people praying for her. Prayers that would never have been prayed on her behalf had she never been matched with us in the first place. So that's pretty cool.

So now we wait to see if we will be matched up with this other little girl. If we are it sounds like her case would be put on the fast track. Not sure if she would be able to come home when Mr. Easton would or not. We just don't know a whole lot at this point.

Lots of you have asked how you can pray:
-Pray that Madelyn would be going back to a good situation and that her transition would go well. We will never know in this lifetime how her life turns out. Ask for peace in that.
-Pray for Easton as he's still waiting to come home. He must be so confused right now as Madelyn spent 5+ months with him in foster care and now she is somewhere else.
-Pray for our family to continue to heal and trust God. Pray that the rest of this long adoption process would go smoothly and quickly.
-Pray for the little girl that might be matched with us. That God would place her with us if that's what He wants and if she is, that He would begin to prepare her heart for the changes ahead.
-Most of all pray that God would be glorified no matter what the outcome.

Hoping to have a new update for you in the next few days!

Webfilings Winter Bash and some goofballs

This last weekend was the winter party for Webfilings where Jason works. We had a fun time getting dressed up and shaking our booties.

I sported a new dress made by the talented Erin Meschke! I put out a rocker vibe with it and got my hair done totally awesome. It was fun so fun!

And here are my goofballs. Can you tell we go through a lot of oatmeal? 

November and December in pictures

November brought all of our chickens laying eggs, including green ones! Aren't they pretty?!

We traveled to Colorado for a few days around Thanksgiving. We had a great time with Pop and Rachel. Here we are in the workshop cutting out wooden chickens (for the Christmas tree) and hearts (for Valentines Day).

The weather was amazing and warm most days. We were all grateful that the kids could get out to play. Here's Grandma and Reagan playing catch.

Working in grandpa's workshop mostly started because this little guy wanted a wooden gun. Then the girls needed one too. They shot rubber bands all over the rest of the time there.

Thanksgiving day was a lot of fun with my grandparents, an uncle, and a few cousins joining us. Nice and relaxing and fun playing games and of course eating too much food. 
Here's the kids with their Great Grandpa Meschke.

Reagan with Great Grandma Meschke and my Uncle Jerry.

Some old blankets made for some fun rides on the hard wood floors. There are kids under that pile.




































Reagan works on her organizational skills.

No shave November. All the girls in the family really liked it!

I didn't take very many pictures in December, unfortunately. Mandi took a lot around Christmas so I'll just have to get some from her.
Here's our chicken inspired Christmas tree among other chicken inspired decorations.

We sure got an awesome snow storm. The kids were SO excited to see so much snow this year since we didn't get much last year at all. 

I just love this picture of them with the American flag in the background! And Reagan's face cracks me up!

Halloween

Sunday nights after the kids go to bed Jason and I watch The Walking Dead with our friends Brent and Lindsay. Last Sunday they came a little earlier and carved pumpkins with us.  Sorry, my camera is taking really bad pictures! Get over it.

Trick or treating was a ball! The kids went around our little circle and then we went up to Grandpa and Grandma Crawford's neighborhood.
Here's our 80's punk rocker chick, geek zombie, and basket of flowers.

With all the neighbor kids. This picture makes me laugh! Everyone looks so cute and then there's Caedmon. 

He does a perfect zombie. This boy is gonna be in drama. He was cracking us up all evening!
And I do some pretty good zombie make up too!