Wrestling and Surrendering

From my daily devotional reading, Streams In The Desert. I've re-read this a ton this week. It's right on. Exactly how we feel nearing the end and not knowing how and when God will provide ALL of what is needed to bring our kids home.

Tea with the President

We just started going through this book as a family in the mornings. We got it for Christmas from Jason's parents. It's by the same people who made The Jesus Storybook Bible, which I really love for the kiddos.

We had a good little chuckle about this mornings reading. Can you see why? Jason's response to paragraph four, "Isn't that the same person?"

We all decided we'd like to have tea with Kid President instead.

Adoption update!

GREAT NEWS! We have received a referral for our son!!! I wish I could share a picture with you, but because of security reason I will not be able to post any pictures until he is home. He is a cutie that is for sure! Stop either Jason or I at church or where ever you see us and I'm sure we will have a picture with us!

God works is mysterious ways. Even as I think about the on goings of the last few days I am blown away at how He sees the big picture. We thought that we were not close to being able to accept a referral because in our heads we needed to wait to have the money to accept referrals for BOTH our son and our daughter. A picture was sent...somewhat early and after figuring all the numbers we realized that we at least had enough to accept the referral being offered to us. Our son is beautiful and I can't wait to hold him in my arms and be his momma. I can't wait to watch Caedmon have a brother and "teach him how to pick on the sisters" as he puts it.  Uh oh!

Two days ago I got a phone call from one of the organizations that we are receiving a grant from. Originally this organization only gave out grants once your child is home, but recently the board members had decided to change that and they now give out grants at time of referral! I told her that that was so great but that we did not have a referral yet. An hour later I went to check my email and there in my inbox was a email from our agency asking if we wanted to accept a referral of a little boy, picture attached. After crunching numbers and included this specific grant, then YES we would be able to accept the referral for our son!

Now we get our butts in gear sending in our dossier and praying for God to provide the money we need to be able to accept a referral for our daughter and money to get them both home fast! I wish I had time to tell every story since then. Jason has had some great response from his "second family" at work and many desire to help us raise the money! This is such a great opportunity to share the whole reason why we are adopting and to also open eyes to the orphan crisis in our world.

We ask you all to keeping praying! The adoption road is long with many highs and lows. God has brought us further in this process then we ever could have on our own strength. There have been SO many times that we have selfishly doubted Him or been ready to quit. I am ashamed that I often questioned His leading but just like THE loving Father that He is, He continues to guide us and correct us and show us His power. I am SO grateful that He gave us the picture of our son. I know that He could easily take our boy away from us just like He could do with our other children. But just like my heart is invested in our biological children, I am already invested in our son who we have one picture of. God knew that we needed a face to put with this process. It's like our ultrasound picture. :) And any hurdle we must jump through is like labor pains. Labor pains are good and bring us closer to meeting our babies.

My friend, Jen Lee, who has three kiddos adopted from the same country we are was praying this verse over us as she was waiting to hear whether we could actually accept our referral or not.
Romans 8:32
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

God loves us enough to temporarily turn away from His own son, Jesus, and allow Him to die in order to save us. I can imagine that this was maybe the saddest time of God's infinite existence and yet He still allowed it to happen in order to save us nasty sinners. So happy that He has not left us without a Father and graciously delights in us enough to give us much more then we deserve!

THIS is what it's about. This is POWERFUL and this is WHY we are adopting. There should be this same urgency on all our hearts! Watch the whole thing and grab your tissues! 

BE AT REST JESS

Got the invoice today for our next adoption payment due.

I say, "OY!" 

He says, "BE AT REST JESS."

"Ok, God. THANK YOU for preparing my heart with joy today.

AND this --- Running Towards Love
AND this --- The Ivy Family
AND this ---Experiencing-the-Power-of-Christ 

AND for what you've already provided!!! WOW!"

From a Worm to an Angel

 From todays "Morning and Evening" by Charles Spurgeon

Colossians 1:28
Perfect in Christ Jesus.

Do you not feel in your own soul that perfection is not in you? Does not every day teach you that? Every tear which trickles from your eye, weeps "imperfection"; every harsh word which proceeds from your lip, mutters "imperfection." You have too frequently had a view of your own heart to dream for a moment of any perfection in yourself. But amidst this sad consciousness of imperfection, here is comfort for you-you are "perfect in Christ Jesus."In God's sight, you are "complete in Him;" even now you are "accepted in the Beloved." But there is a second perfection, yet to be realized, which is sure to all the seed. Is it not delightful to look forward to the time when every stain of sin shall be removed from the believer, and he shall be presented faultless before the throne, without spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing? The Church of Christ then will be so pure, that not even the eye of Omniscience will see a spot or blemish in her; so holy and so glorious, that Hart did not go beyond the truth when he said-

"With my Saviour's garments on,
Holy as the Holy One."

Then shall we know, and taste, and feel the happiness of this vast but short sentence, "Complete in Christ." Not till then shall we fully comprehend the heights and depths of the salvation of Jesus. Doth not thy heart leap for joy at the thought of it? Black as thou art, thou shalt be white one day; filthy as thou art, thou shalt be clean. Oh, it is a marvellous salvation this! Christ takes a worm and transforms it into an angel; Christ takes a black and deformed thing and makes it clean and matchless in His glory, peerless in His beauty, and fit to be the companion of seraphs. O my soul, stand and admire this blessed truth of perfection in Christ.

"The Acid Test of Love"

I'm just like my daughter. A stinkin' little sinner.
Until Caedmon began walking to school on his own in the mornings, the girls and I would also bundle up and walk with him assuring his safe arrival. I've always enjoyed walking Caedmon to school. It's been our special time to sing "This is the day that the Lord has made . . . " or "Rise and shine and give God the glory glory . . . " or to just talk about life and how to handle different situations going on. Recently though, walking to school has not been so fun. My oldest daughter has made it difficult to enjoy the morning walk as the focus has been completely saturated on herself. EVERY morning something was just all wrong for her. Most of the time it was, " I'm SO cold! " or " I'm itchy! " or tripping a few times, or not staying on the sidewalk like she had been told. All resulting in giant, pathetic, and hysterical tears. Every morning walking out the door was a pep talk from mom. " Hey Payton, lets walk like a big girl to school today. Ok?" She would assure me that she would do her job with no problems, but often failed.
I am so much like my daughter in this way with my relationship with God. Everyday I have a chance to come to him for a pep talk before beginning my walk in life that day. A lot of days I don't apply the preparation He gives or easily forget what He's already taught me. Without consciously choosing to obey and do what's right, I tend to easily stray off His sidewalk, tripping or complaining all the way about my uncomfortable circumstances, resulting is tears, only to realize I should have studied and obeyed the Wise One. It's also caused me to seek the approval of others, rather then striving the please the Lord. Not good.
The last few weeks I have experienced some real lows in my heart. The reason I'm sure has completely and totally been because I have not been reading God's word and daily walking with Him. It put me back into my old ways. The grouchy, anxious, very worrisome, and selfish mom and wife reappeared her ugly face making home life not so peaceful and God honoring.  So I'm going back to the Bible and back to the chapter on Obedience in my "Seeking Him" book that we went through in women's Thursday morning Bible study from this last semester. This was THE chapter (along with others) that really put me in my place. The chapter is called, "Obedience: The Acid Test of Love." It's chucked full of hard to hear goodness! It talks of obedience to the Word being the foundation of the Christian life. No obedience to God, no foundation. How the measuring of our love for God is to examine whether or not we obey Him. So, I say I love Him, but do I always obey Him? No. And when I do obey Him is it always with a joyful heart. No.
Obedience is hard. Especially when what you are being led to do is uncomfortable and there's fear of the unknown. Obedience to pursue adoption is good and at many times exciting and joy giving, but also fearful for us when we don't see the whole picture like God does. It's such a step out in faith and we have to daily choose to continue to take the next step so that God can show us what He can do.  Who He will touch. What He will provide . . .
The beauty of obedience to God- " God does not stand by at a distance, demanding our obedience. Rather,  He blesses us by allowing us to be a part of accomplishing His purposes. He calls us to SURRENDER, invites us to follow, EMPOWERS us to serve, and then blesses our obedience. " Nancy Leigh DeMoss.
"God is God. Because He is God, HE IS WORTHY of my trust and obedience. I will find rest NOWHERE but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to." Elisabeth Elliot.
"Happy is the soul which . . . holds itself ceaselessly in the hands of its Creator, ready to do everything which He wishes; which never stops saying to itself a hundred times a day, 'Lord, what would you have me to do?" Francios Fenelon.

Psalm 19: 7-11
 ⁷ The law of the LORD is PERFECT,
   refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are TRUSTWORTHY,
   making wise the simple.
⁸ The precepts of the LORD are RIGHT,
   giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are RADIANT,
   giving light to the eyes.
⁹ The fear of the LORD is PURE,
   enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are FIRM,
   and all of them are righteous.
 ¹⁰ They are more precious than gold,
   than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
   than honey from the honeycomb.
¹¹ By them your servant is warned;
   in keeping them there is great reward.

Hopefully a Christmas post to follow . . . when I have time! :)

An unworthy disciple.

I read this in my kids Bible this week and I almost broke down sobbing! Jesus had just left the desert and set out to find his disciples.
" Who would make good helpers, do you think? Clever ones? Rich ones? Strong, important ones? Some people might think so, but I'm sure by now you don't need me to tell you they'd be wrong. Because the people God uses don't have to know a lot of things (or be really good at paperwork), or have a lot of things (or have $40,000 and a big house) - THEY JUST HAVE TO NEED HIM A LOT." -The Jesus Storybook Bible.

Well, Jesus, I definitely fit your requirements, cause I NEED YOU A TON! I'm an unworthy disciple, but THANK YOU so much for including me!

Our New Door

This was stuck to our new exterior door that was installed Sunday while we were gone.  We went to unlock the door and had to do a double take to make sure we were at the right house!

Thank you to Raul and Lydia!

Did you read the letter? I hope you did. It brought tears to my eyes! We often think about the door of adoption that God is opening before our family's eyes, but neglect to think that a new door will be opened for the children as well.
I think about this new exterior door. How it's purpose is to keep OUT the elements of the weather that comes and goes. Wind, rain, snow, uncomfortable heat . . . It protects us from the ever changing weather.
It also keeps the controlled, predictable, and comfortable weather IN. The heat in the cold winter and the AC in the hot summer.
Only when this door is opened can we experience the weather on the other side. Sometimes the weather is unpleasant, requiring a coat to keep us warm against the cold or a tank top exposing us to the sun on our vulnerable skin. But many times the weather on the other side of that door is beautiful, radiant, pleasant, fulfilling, joyful, and invigorating. How will we know though, if we never walk through the door to find out?
In the mornings before walking Caedmon to school I will often go out on the porch to decide what kind of outer wear we all need for the walk that day. Lately, we've all needed at least a jacket, some days even our winter coats to protect us from the cold. One morning recently, I had felt that it was very cold out and I instructed the kids to put on their heavier coats. Payton though, thinking that she knew better for herself, decided to go without a coat. She cried the whole way to school because she was SO cold. She didn't have what she NEEDED because she chose not to obey. She chose to do things her own way and she ended up even more uncomfortable then the rest of us who were just a little cold. Since that day, she has put a coat on EVERY time I've told her to.
My point in all this is- When God allows a door to open we can either walk through it and experience the good AND the scary, or we can resist it and pull it back shut in disobedience and possibly missing out on some awesome blessings. God is such a provider though! He doesn't just open the door and push you out and say, "Good luck. Hope you don't freeze to death." or "Hope you find some shade." NO, He provides. He arms us with coats and hats and gloves and boots and sun screen! He provides us with HIS ARMOR! 
Do I have fear in walking through the door of adoption? Heck yeah! BUT my fear is overcome by the love of a Father that I know, knows me the best and knows what is best for me. He plans, He leads and guides and when the way gets uncomfortable from the elements, He provides strength and truth and peace and joy! I can only reside in that safety when I let Him be in control. It's nothing that I do that makes the walk more comfortable. Quite the opposite in fact. My mind can't grasp everything that He is capable of. 

Whatever your "open door" is. I pray that you walk through it in radical obedience and with the strength God provides rather then on your own understanding!

Ephesians 6:10-20

 ¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

 ¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. ¹⁹ Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Soak it up. Roll around in it. Love it.

God works in cool ways! Yesterday a friend gave us a big chunk of money to put towards our adoption. I was shocked at the amount of the gift from this young 20 something person! It came with an awesome letter too! So special! This wonderful person had been encouraged by our obedience to God in moving forward in a faith required, unknown journey.  They were moved so much that they gave this big gift in a step of obedience to God in the area of giving and submission. THAT is priceless and we were humbled! It is so wonderful to see God moving in the hearts of His children. Their gift then spurred on the hearts of Jason and I. It's like God is saying, "Here you go. Now what are you going to do? I'm cracking open the door. Are you going to step through and watch what I can do?" THAT is priceless.

For those of you out there who have been interested in adoption or feeling God nudge you in that direction, but you've held back for whatever reason, whether it's lack of money or a small house or . . .  STOP! God can do it! We've hardly even began and God is already showing us that HE is at the center of this. It is HIS story in us. It is HIS provision that may or may not make it possible. It is HIS guidance that will show us what to do next. It is HIS strength that will hold us up when it's hard. Anything good that comes from this whole thing is only because of God and His love for His people.

Since August I feel like I have been on an exciting walk with the Lord. The last year my heart was spent in deep loneliness and self pity. It was a low time, but I'm SO grateful for the loneliness that He allowed in my heart. I finally truly realized that only HE can satisfy! HE is a PERFECT friend that never fails us! Since then, relationships have been restored, the leading to adoption began, I'm meeting and getting to know new, wonderful, Godly friends, and I HAVE JOY THAT IS PRICELESS. No amount of money can buy what the Lord has already given!
Another great Psalms passage for ya. These were our wedding verses and it's hanging on the wall in our living room. On any other busy day I might over look it hanging there. The last few days I've noticed it more. I love the Psalms! Can you tell?
Soak it up. Roll around in it. Love it.

 Psalm 73:23-26
²³ Yet I am always with you;
   you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
   and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever. 

Crazy Beautiful.

This last week we decided that we would take the next step in the adoption process and choose the agency we would apply for. We're going with MLJ Adoptions. Or at least we are applying with them. The application is sitting right now in front of me. I need to make copies, write the check, and get it in the mail Monday morning. The amount of money that has to be sent in with the application is doable for us. The next amount . . .  well, not so much. This is where God is going to be stretching our faith. Already He has giving us support from our parents and this last week support from our kids (as best as a 6 and 4 year old can understand and give. Something I was specifically praying for!) and countless support and prayers from a lot of other people watching this journey.

Now we need His financial support. I know He can provide if He wants to. I'm hoping He wants to, but more so, I'm hoping that I want what He wants no matter the outcome. We cannot make God do anything other then what is already in His plans for us. I want to be a part of what He is doing, not let Him be a part of what we're doing.  The amount of money needed for an adoption is insane. There's a few big chunks of money that we will need before we can even begin to apply for adoption grants and such. It's overwhelming and really easy to think that it could never happen, but we cannot put limitations on God.

Another big thing that has happened is that we have decided to try for two children. Yes, we're crazy. I hope you're all good enough at math to add 3 + 2. If you're not, that equals 5!!! Yep, there's a possibility that someday we will be Papa and Momma to 5 kids! Anyone who knows my huge faults knows that God is really going to have to use my weaknesses for His glory. I'm daily saying to myself, "I don't know how I'm going to do this."  Followed by a kick in the pants from Jason, " You're right, you're not going to be able to do this. God is." OKAY.

Our decision to seek two orphans is for many reasons, but mostly transition reasons. Can you imagine how scary it might be to not only leave everything you've ever known but then also to join a family of blond hair, blue eyed, pasty white weirdos when you're the only beautifully brown skinned one? (have you figured out that our heart is in Africa? Although I won't say here from where specifically until I know it's ok.) So on our application we put that we are interested in a boy ages 2-5 and a girl ages 0-3 and hoping for siblings but we are obviously fine with non-related.

So you can imagine that my week started out with, "God what are you doing to me?" The question was no longer should we pursue adopting a child, but should we pursue adopting TWO children. Whoa. Just so you know, we aren't as crazy as our friends the Lee's who are adopting THREE children at once! God is working! It's crazy. Crazy beautiful! Jen and I have already said that we will need to stock up on hair dye, coffee, and lots chocolate . . . and of course be armed with God's strength and not our own! By the way, if you are interested in adoption, Jen's site has a wealth of knowledge. She's been a great help to me!

Then mid week I had a few days of discouragement in regards to my human weaknesses as a mom and our HUGE financial hurdles. Then Wednesday night Jason wanted to be out at the church for the family ministry, D6, a little early cause it was his first week to start helping with the junior high ministry, 180. We got our kiddos in their  D6 classes, Jason went off to 180, and I went up the the equipping room for the parents time. No one was there yet so I grabbed a seat and thanked the Lord for the downtime. I hadn't gotten to read my Bible all day and prayed for God to help me change my discouraged perspective. I don't usually randomly pick something in the Bible to read unless I have just extra time. And it is usually the Psalms, cause they just rock! So I randomly opened up to Psalms 146. THANK YOU GOD!
Here it is!
Psalm 146
¹ Praise the Lord!
   Let all that I am praise the Lord.
    ² I will praise the Lord as long as I live.
      I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.
 ³ Don’t put your confidence in powerful people;
      there is no help for you there.
 ⁴ When they breathe their last, they return to the earth,
      and all their plans die with them.
 ⁵ But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper,
      whose hope is in the Lord their God.
 ⁶ He made heaven and earth,
      the sea, and everything in them.
      He keeps every promise forever.
 ⁷ He gives justice to the oppressed
      and food to the hungry.
   The Lord frees the prisoners.
    ⁸ The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
   The Lord lifts up those who are weighed down.
      The Lord loves the godly.
 ⁹ The Lord protects the foreigners among us.
      He cares for the orphans and widows,
      but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.
  The Lord will reign forever.
      He will be your God, O Jerusalem, throughout the generations.
   Praise the Lord!

Need I say more? Nope.

My brain hurts!

Ok, my brain officially hurts. It's for a good reason though.
I've hardly even begun to scratch the surface of all the little details of adoption. I'm talking about the forms and applications and financing  . . . oh my. I'm lost and my brain hurts but I'm trying to get a grasp as to where to start. Thankfully there are many other families in our church who are in the process of adoption, steps ahead of us, and they are going to be our wealth of knowledge! The Lee's were over last night to talk adoption with us. It was so encouraging! . . .  and then discouraging. The issue is money. That is our GIANT roadblock. The roadblock that God probably sees as a little pebble in the road. So the cost of adoption can be discouraging, but I know we serve an Almighty God who can totally provide where He sees fit and can also help us through our simpleminded searchings of other ways to finance this journey! First step - appointment made to start giving plasma regularly. It's such a small amount of money compared to what we are going to need, but it's a dent in it at least. Not to mention the value in getting to just sit there and read or, as Tori Haverkamp would put it, "let God brush my hair."

So tonight as I was looking at different websites that offer grants and such I thought that I should start writing some of this stuff down. Mostly I'm wanting to write myself notes, a to do list, and keep a little time line of our journey so that I can look back at the days and remember what was happening when and so forth. I remembered that I had an old journal from a long time ago that I had hardly used and thought it would work great. It's one of those that has a different verse for everyday at the bottom of the page. Awesome. Perfect for this. On the cover was "And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us . . . " Psalm 90:17. SWEET! So I just had to get out my own Bible and read the whole chapter! This is what stuck out!

¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
      so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
 ¹⁵ Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
      Replace the evil years with good.
 ¹⁶ Let us see your miracles again;
      let our children see your glory at work.
 ¹⁷ And may the Lord our God show us his approval
      and make our efforts successful.
      Yes, make our efforts successful!

Ok, I have nothing left to say after that except, wow! I can't wait to see HIM at work!