As much as I so badly wanted homeschooling to work out great for Caedmon, it just wasn't working for both of us. We first started homeschooling him because he needed some one on one attention with his reading and math. His reading has improved greatly and he now has a very good foundation in math. When we started he wasn't even able to do small math in his head because of what I believe to be a rotten foundation. Now he can do small math in his head without having to count lines or dots which is what they were having him do at school. Hopefully his solid foundation will allow him to excel in math at school now. Even though he has improved on these subjects, he will have some other subjects to improve on, such as handwriting and sentence construction. These are not our reasons for sending him back to public though and I definitely don't regret trying homeschooling out with him.
If you have young children you will know that life as a mom is crazy. Great but crazy! As Christ following moms we are called to be the heart of our homes. This looks different in every christian family, but one thing is for sure. We are to teach our children to love and obey God and give Him glory with everything we do. I'm sure some would argue with me about this, but no where in the Bible does it say that as parents we have to be the ones teaching academics to our children. Going through this, yes I do care how my son learns math, but in comparison, I'm far more concerned about his heart. In the past year of homeschooling there has been a giant change in the heart of our family. Changes that were not for the better. Now remember, as mom I'm the heart of the family and so when I see a problem with the heart of our family then I am called to address it and make changes accordingly. For a long time I thought the heart issues were the exact reason we needed to continue homeschooling. But the longer we've gone, the more I see things clearer.
In general when Caedmon was in public school he was a happier boy. He may have been struggling academically in some areas but his heart was more joyful. This seems backwards to me, but when he was in public school he talked a lot more about God. He was always telling me stories about talking to other kids about God during recess or he was telling me about something at school that didn't line up with the Bible. He was being in the world, but not of it. He was able to see the contrast between living for God and not. Even at that young age. We talked a lot more about God with him then because there was more questions about the sin and the lost. In the end we just want our kids to love Jesus. How academics are taught is not what God is concerned about. He's concerned about our hearts. Caedmon's heart was in better condition when we was in public school.
Caedmon is not the only one who has gained a heart condition from our year of homeschooling. Although I LOVE the idea of homeschooling and really wish it would have worked for Caedmon and I, it just didn't. I am to be a wife and mom that loves Jesus, teaches my children to love Jesus, and keeps some kind of peace and order to our home. As a homeschooling mom, I wasn't doing much of that. Teaching my kids turned into obsessing about their academic abilities, rather then teaching them to know and love God. Teaching my kids turned into daily fits and tears over math but no sorrow about our sin or joy in God's forgiveness. I've always struggled with anger, but my anger had become more and more evident while homeschooling Caedmon. I wasn't being a good wife and mom. I was starting the day in dread and ending it in guilt. I was definitely not teaching my children to love God or love learning.
So am I a failure? Man I sure felt like one while homeschooling Caedmon and even more so when we started discussing the possibility of him going back to public. I thought a lot about what people would think of me. Was I weak? Did I really care about my kids? Was this not working because I was stupid? After talking to lots of wise people who know us well, I discovered that these were all lies. The truth is, I didn't fail. To continue doing something that isn't working just to save face is a failure. Strength is being able to admit that something in your life isn't working right and being able to humbly change it in order for it to work well.
Since making this decision I've been so much more peaceful and loving in how I deal with my kids. I know that this decision will not make everything perfect but it will help me be better equiped to be a good MOM. The other night I was reading to the girls in the evening and I realized that I was actually enjoying it. I couldn't remember the last time I enjoyed reading to my kids. I couldn't remember the last time I actually wanted to take my time putting them to bed.
In this decision we also had to realize just how much I'm going to be needed once our African kiddos are home. This new change will allow me to give them lots of attention needed for effective attachment during the day, and hopefully make me more available to Caedmon in the afternoon after school.
I look forward to the feelings of actually missing Caedmon and looking forward to him coming home. I loved greeting him at the door and talking with him about his day. Unfortunately, those times had more quality in them then a full day with him.
So Mr. Caedmon starts up public school again on the 22nd! He is very excited now. As of Tuesday he was hiding under his bed crying about it because he is very much like his momma and doesn't handle change well. Within two days, the night when he told him our final decision, he was excited and joyful and asking if he got to pick out a new lunch box. Last night I took him shopping and actually enjoyed it. :)
Payton is having a great time with homeschooling. The plan is to finish kindergarten with her at home and at the end of the year decide what we will do for 1st grade. She is excited about learning and has really great friends in her Friday K1 class with our homeschooling group. Each kiddos is different so we'll see what happens.
If you've made it this far through my long winded explanation then you must be really bored...or your actually care. Thanks!
2 comments:
In praying through a potential foster placement recently, I realized that sometimes it's harder to say "no" than it is to say "yes" to something, especially when we feel like saying "yes" is the more "spiritual" option. In reality the most important thing we are to do is obey and follow God...whatever direction He leads us! And I firmly believe that God calls some to homeschool and some to public school. Thanks for sharing how God led your family to an excellent solution. SO true that our kids' hearts are the most important thing to shepherd, and each one will take on a different form of shepherding!
super proud of you! yep.... definitely a hard decision to make, but it sounds like you guys have prayerfully considered it! God is good and FULL of grace!
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