Sorry for my absence from blogging for so long. For the longest time it's just been easier to post a bunch of fun pictures of the kids then to actually say anything worth while. I've been in a slump. I've been busy with stuff and been keeping a lot of my thinking to myself instead of pouring my guts here.

For a while now I've had adoption blues. It's hard to explain. Our adoption seems to be moving at snail speed and recently it's gotten discouraging. I understand that it is in God's timing and we wouldn't want it any other way but it is hard to wait and it's hard to understand why.

In being down I've had days where I just can't possibly imagine that it will ever happen. This isn't a good place to be. It's not faithful, peaceful, or joyful. Most of all it's doubtful in a God that has His hand in it all. It's questioning the love He has for our kids, which is far greater then we can imagine.

I haven't told very many people this but there is AT LEAST one moment in everyday when the kids are chaotic and my head is spinning and I think to myself, "How the heck am I going to handle two more?!! . . .  Do I even want two more kids running around here when these ones are already making me crazy? . . .  No wonder the adoption is moving so slow. God probably wants me to learn how to not be such a crappy mom first. . . . " And THEN I remind myself that these thoughts are in the middle of chaotic craziness when the house is a pit, the dog is barking, one kid is crying, one kid is mouthing off, and one kid is peeing all over the floor. These are moments when I think any mom might be feeling a little off her rocker. These are moments when even the most patient mom might be silently questioning God's plans in her mothering journey . . . and her sanity.  Unless that mom is Michelle Duggar.

Then there's the many moments when things aren't perfect, but manageable and not crazy when I feel like I can think more like the way I'm supposed to. When it's clear that by being in my children's lives, even in the moments of failure, I've made a difference. When I can see my kids have moments of sweet love for each other or watch them work through there own struggles with sin. Looking in their beautiful faces and praising God for allowing me to be part of their transforming hearts. It makes the insane moments fade or at least become comical. And it makes me that more eager to have more little ones around. And it also helps me remember that adopting is not going to be perfect, but it can be good. Not good as in, warm fuzzes (although I wouldn't mind some of those moments too). It's good because it's God's idea. Whether it feels really greats or hurts really bad, it's what He's leading us in. Whether it takes a long time or comes quickly it's not about us, but it's purpose is to reflect God's love.

I daily fail at reflecting God's love. So as I wait to be momma to two more kiddos, I hope each day I can learn more and more how to reflect God's love to the kids that He has already entrusted to us.