Yeah, it sounds twisted, but God's plan to have my mom die was a PERFECT plan. Even in my confusion and deep pain of loosing her, I have faith that since He made us, He knows us best and knows what is best for us. It wasn't our plan for her to die so young and not be around. Not be around to grow old with my dad. Not be around to be a grandma (although she's probably getting to be a grandma in heaven to a few babies that went to be with Jesus through miscarriages.) Not be around for some of the most special and hardest times of life. She hasn't been there for me to call up when I'm concerned that I'm not being a good mom or when I need a recipe that I can't find, or when I just want to chat with one of the best friends I've ever had . . .
But do you know who has been around . . . ALWAYS? God. He's been there through the whole thing and in every moment of emptiness HE HAS OFFERED TO FILL THE HOLE IN MY HEART. I haven't always accepted the offer of comfort from Him. There's been times when I have screamed and shook my fist at Him for taking her. There have been times when I have in my heart rejected the other "moms" in my life that He has so graciously provided for me. There have been times when I've used my hurt against my husband and kids. There's been some real ugly times when I completely WASTED my sorrows.
Living in bitterness because we've been hurt is . . . well . . . a waste. God didn't allow cancer to take over my mom's body for no reason. He causes everything to work together for good. There is purpose in it and I'm determined not to waste the sorrow, but to grow deep in the Lord through it . . . even eight years later. I believe that God not only allows hardships, but orchestrates them at times. Not because He wants to watch us suffer, but because HE WANTS US TO RUN TO HIM. When the control is forced out of our hands, just like it is while watching a loved one die, we have NO OTHER OPTION accept to run to Him. No other good option at least. Getting angry and bitter only cause more hurt for ourselves and those around us and worst of all, doesn't give God glory.
In her last days, my brothers and I would take turns sitting by my moms bed at night. We'd take shifts so that someone was always awake with her and that way my dad could get the rest he needed too. There were many precious moments in the middle of the night sitting by her. But one sticks out to me. I believe that it was the night that I truly gave my life to Christ. I sat there with my dad in his bed to the right of me and my mom in her hospital bed to the left. We all had been reading desperately through the Psalms in those days. If you ever are feeling hopeless, confused, angry, desperate, lonely, full of sorrow . . . the Psalms are PERFECT. I was reading, reading, reading and I had never in all my life seen God so clearly. His UNFAILING PERFECTION was so clear. His plans are PERFECT and GOOD . . . NO MATTER WHAT. I sat there with a hand on each bed, palms up, tears flowing out in praise to my God and surrender to Him cause I had no other choice and because HE WAS WORTHY OF MY PRAISE even as I watched one of my worst nightmares come to life before me. His perfection covered my imperfection.
I wish I could share with you all the truth that was shared by those who spoke at her memorial just days later. So much solid foundation in the Lord. A peace in His sovereignty. I don't miss watching my mom's body waste away but I do miss the time when my family sat together around her, singing hymns and praying and reading His word.
The fall after my mom went to be with our Savior, Jason was away with the military and I went to stay with my dad to spend some time grieving and reflecting around Mom's things. I remember him telling me about a night when he was laying in bed and he looked at the wall where his robe was hanging. The same robe that we all would wear during our shifts in the middle of the night. My brother, Nate, spoke so sweetly about the passing of the robe at the memorial. Anyways, my dad described to me how the robe was hanging there and how it was hanging made it look like a giant arrow pointing up. Up to the heavens, up to God. That's exactly where our lives should be pointing. CAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT US. IT'S COMPLETELY ABOUT HIM.
Reading back through a lot of stuff saved from the months following her passing, I read an email from my dad that I had printed out. Here are some of his encouraging words to me.
"I know He is painting a BIG picture in the life of our family, and we can only see a small part of it. He does not ask for our help in designing the art-work, just for our co-operation as He flows the paint. Maybe Mom is helping pick out the colors? *(when I read this just the other day, I thought, maybe the color is a beautiful, chocolate brown skin tone! HA!)* I pray you will keep your heart tender to the Lord, so He can teach you the wonderful things about Himself and His care for you."
Then I read this. A note from my mom that I've saved since I left home after high school graduation. "Love you - always will - never forget it! Will be good to see you again sometime."
SO GOOD! I can't wait to sit at the Lord's feet with her!
5 comments:
That's beautiful, Jess. I have found myself missing your mom a lot in the last few years...wishing she could see all the grandkids, but knowing she wasn't missing out by NOT being here. It's a weird tension to live in, but one God calls us to. Love you, sister!
Wow, Jess! Thanks so much for sharing about your mom. I loved getting to know more about your time with her at the end of her life. I can't imagine how much you must miss her at times.
Beautiful! It is hard to believe it has already been eight years, although I know you have felt every year and the pain of missing your mom! Jess, your mom would be so proud of the wife & mom that you are! She was a great example to follow and you are doing it well!
Love you!!
What a beautiful piece this is. So real. It made me cry, Jess. Your Mom would be amazed (actually she probably knows) how much you have grown in your knowledge and trust of God. And how very much you have become like Jesus. The aroma of your life has become sweeter and sweeter since I have known you. Keep on running towards HIM. Love you.
Jess, this was truly moving. It was written so beautifully, smothered in love...love for your mom and love for your Heavenly father. Thanks for sharing.
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